It Is What It Is (Part I)

In my small apartment. I was in bed asleep. If not, I was probably half way there. Then I heard the nasty bang. I got up. Waited. Bang Bang.

It was coming from the living room. I was frightened. Bang Bang Bang. The noise rose above my expectation. It sounded like things falling apart from the rack. I jumped out of my bed. It was just too much of a shocker for anybody to handle 3am in the morning.

I looked around my room. There was nothing I could grab to keep myself from any harm. Things that came close were the hangers in the closet, the ironing board & as hopeless as it is, my wedding photo frame from Daiso. I was convinced that the glass on the frame could be pretty fatal if I was to hit someone with it.

The bang continued in the living room. It was getting odd. It didn't make sense for anybody to break into a house with this level of noise. Bang Bang. I looked at my bedroom door. Pondering what was happening at the other end. This was all too peculiar for me. On an impulse, I thought I would rather have a vengeance spirit tearing up the place than a mad intruder.

I tried to put my hand close to the knob. Bang Bang. I backed up. Before I realized I was already at the end of the wall. Fuck I said to myself. Be strong idiot. I breathed in a stomach of air. I frowned hard to make myself as muscular as I can be. And then I let the air out all at once. With nothing in hands, I turned the knob the kicked the door open.

The Man Doesn't Feel Like Going To Work Today

In fact, the man felt that way yesterday too. And also the day before yesterday. He thinks he could have done so many things if he wasn't at work. Things like hanging the bedsheets out in the sun. And takes it down before it pours. He thinks it will be way significant than going to work. He could have read something in the span before taking down the bedsheets. And could even be inspired to write something inspiring. But no. Be it rains or shines. He has to go work. Even by meaning of leaving his bedsheets damp for a week. He has to go work.

Things would be easier if the man's wife is around. She could have hung the bedsheets. And tucks it up nicely. It will be sensational for the man to come home knowing the bedsheets are nicely tucked in the closet. Life would be perfect. But the man's wife isn't around. Will she ever be back? Of course she will. Silly you.

Do I possibly think the man will get a day off tomorrow to hang his bedsheets? I don't know. Will he take the risk to hang the bedsheets without keeping an eye on it? I don't know. And I don't think any one of you should bet your house on that. But if there's anything else you want to bet your house on. Let the man know.

Amitabh Bachchan, Pravin & The Snow Leopard

"Pravin!" at the top of Amitabh Bachchan's voice. Pravin scurried to his Big Boss with a mirror and put it up for Amitabh Bachchan to fiddle his hair. "This is not your first day." Pravin bowed in shame. "You should know better!" Amitabh Bachchan pressed down the sideburn. "All right I am good to go!"

When Amitabh Bachchan was young they called him The Angry Young Man. It was the nation's love to see the angry young man being angry. The anger saw him rose to the stardom and became the most celebrated celebrity in the history of Bollywood.

"Cut" called the director. "Thank you so much sir, Lets see the playback!"

"No!" a soft cough followed by a husky voice. " This is too dramatic" claimed Amitabh Bachchan. "I shouldn't look into the camera with such deliberation" The Amitabh Bachchan's clan, the producers, the agencies, the clients, the make-up artist, even the lady owner of the residential location, nodded their heads severely. There wasn't any one who can say no to Amitabh Bachchan.

"I want to do it again." insisted Amitabh Bachchan. He waited, and waited. "Pravin!" Pravin chopped chopped to the Big Boss with the mirror. But Amitabh Bachchan did not look into the mirror. He was cold starring at Pravin. Pravin's eyes were filled with fear and immediately sensed the message to tidy up the Big Boss's trouser's legs.

"And action!" called the director. Amitabh Bachchan did the 45 degree turn to the camera. Looked into the camera. With less deliberation, as he would claimed. Hold up the product. And said his line. "Cut" called the director. "Yes sir, Yes, that's the one sir! Thank You"

Pravin went up to the Big Boss with the mirror again. Amitabh Bachchan brushed him off and went straight to the TV monitor. He watched the playback. "This is definitely better!" he contended. He turned to the still photographer at the other corner. "Can I have the pictures?"

"Yes sir" said the photographer. He looked up to his assistant. And the assistant looked up to Pravin. "Do you have a Thumb Drive?" "No, no, no!" Amitabh Bachchan interrupted. "I have my laptop here, can you just transfer to my laptop?" "Yes sir" said the photographer while muttering to his assistant. "I would have to process them first."

"What process?" Amitabh Bachchan was intrigued. "Hmm...because the files are in RAW sir, and.." said the soft spoken photographer. "What do you mean by RAW?" Amitabh Bachchan wanted the pictures immediately so he could blog'em first hand. "I have my laptop here" he argued. "It is very easy to open it in Adobe" "And I'll have the Snow Leopard very soon, maybe tomorrow!" He looked over to Pravin. And Pravin answered the Big Boss with an assuring nod.

"Great, Snow Leopard." the photographer trying to put Amitabh Bachchan at ease. " But I still have to process it" explained the photographer.

"Ok" still not knowing what a RAW file is. "Pravin!!" he shouted.

Pravin came to his Big Boss with the Mirror. Amitabh Bachchan fiddled his hair and whined. "Do they not know what a Snow Leopard is?"

"Move my blogging time after my swim" muttered Amitabh Bachchan.

What Do Camera Boys Do When They Do Timelapse?

This job that the Camera Boys do has 15 visuals of time lapses. For many days they had to get up very early in the morning to set up the camera, and wait for the day to break. Time lapse is a yes & no sort of tedious work. But to do 15 in a relatively short period of time is definitely tedious. Sometimes the day does not break like how the director wanted. Sometimes it does, but not what the client had in mind. That is when the camera boys would go back again and wait, and wait, and wait. Until it breaks totally different from what is drawn in the storyboard.

Before the end of all the time lapses, the Camera Boys have settled into their new regular routine. Getting up 3 in the morning. Come to the office. Avoid looking at corners where ghosts are frequently spotted. Load up the gears. Drive up to the location. Find the spot "x" that the DP has marked a day before. Set up the camera. Sandbag the tripod. Pick the unlucky one to buy breakfast. Hand out the stools. Sit down. And wait.

The problem is they have grown tired of talking to each other. They have talked about their I-Hate-Stuffs, The-Who-And-Who-Dilemmas, Would-You-Do-This-For-Fifty Dollar?, Guess-What-Am-I-Thinking, and have even discussed what to name their children. They have read each others mind so perfectly that they know when & what filters to put in front of the lens. It has gotten tougher everyday to find a word to speak to each other.

That day. The breakfast came. Boring one. You don't get interesting breakfast in the middle of nowhere. Having grown tired of complaining their breakfast, the Camera Boys ate quietly. The senior one suddenly broke into giggles & laughter. "What's so funny?" the younger ones asked. "Nothing" said the senior one. "What?" they bolstered up.

"Have you thought about killing yourself?" said the senior one. "Oh" the rest traveled back in time in their heads. "I almost died one time when I drank the laundry detergent" said one of the younger ones. "Jeez, why would you drink the laundry detergent?" the rest puzzled. "I was very young, and the color looked very tasty for me" he claimed. "And no I wasn't thinking to kill myself" "Duh" the rest took no interest almost instantly. "Hey I almost died!" he protested. Whatever. They continued with the boring breakfast.

"I was this close to jump off from my floor" the senior one giggled and showed his two fingers closed to each other. "Why?" the rest reacted in disbelief. "I didn't like the breakfast that day" said the senior one. "What was it?" the young ones were intrigued. "I don't remember, but there was no chicken wing in it" the senior one pulled out the cartilage of some part in a chicken out from his mouth. "Whoa!" they responded. " you're fucked up!"

"Yup!" licking his fingers. "I would have missed out so many things if I had jumped" He toyed with the chicken bone with barely any meat on it. He chucked the bone into the air and it disappeared into the first light over the horizon.

"Great! The chicken wing just flew across the frame" one of the younger ones made a fuss. "Nah" the senior one seemed untroubled. "Its only a chicken wing"

A Love Story for Feature Film Adaptation

There's this cute girl. How cute? On a human level? Average, I suppose. Just average? Fine, she has big tits if that's all you want. Well, this cute girl falls in love with a cashier at Cold Storage called Billy. Is he cute? Glad you ask. He is the most good looking person in Cold Storage. One day our girl sees Billy for the first time. "What a beautiful feeling" she says. To who? Her friend, Belinda. Is she cute? Well, I am not too sure. Honestly? I think she's hot. And she is always not wearing her underwear.

"I haven't got this feeling for anyone before" says our girl. Belinda sulks.

Our girl spends the rest of the middle story trying to get Billy's attention. She tries to make conversation with Billy. "How much" she says. "24.60" says Billy. And Belinda will sulk. She is so good at sulking.

One time, it is Billy's birthday. Our girl tries searching the perfect present for Billy. She couldn't figure what to get for Billy. "Give him your virginity" Belinda whispers into the girl's ear.

In the end, our girl could not give Billy what she wanted to give. Why? It can't work out. But why? Because she realizes that they both have to move on. What? Yes, she's serious. What kind of ending is this? I think there are enough parts to keep us happy in the story and a happy ending would have been an anti climax. And it is a good ending because it keeps you questioning.

Fine, what about Belinda? She is so hot that she has to be frozen. What does this story tell us? You can't save someone from being out of control if you are out of control yourself.

Internet Scam from A Prince of Nowhere

Dear friend,

I am the prince of a place where I can not yet reveal. I write you in need of your help in urgent. The place where I live was taken over by some very bad people. The situation is desperate. Everything is destroyed. Yes, everything. The palace, the nuclear power plant & my frail nobility. Me and my people have been forced to hide in an awful underpass. We are living with no cable TV, and the toilet has not been flushed in 2 days. The princess is days from dying without cable TV. And apparently my father just lost his job as a king.

I need your help immediately. I doubt you can send a troop to blow up the enemy's camp. But wait, I just received a text message from my dead uncle saying that I just inherited a very big amount of money. I would claim the money myself if I wasn't stuck in this underpass. If you can help us, I might be able to split the money with you.

The transaction will be 100 percent safe. I am a wealthy prince, and I assure you that I am also very good looking. So please, get the money transferred as soon as you can and we can all go back to our normal life. There is also an outside chance I might buy an island for your mother.

Your most sincerely

Prince

And You Are ...Abigail The Sleazy Frog

How much do I know about Abigail The Sleazy Frog? Oh wow. Not a lot. Apparently you are not everybody's favorite. I am sorry. Really. You are lazy, fat, and smell like toilet. And that's not all, you are also sleazy. Wow!

You don't have much of a role to play in this world. Why? I am afraid that's how life has chosen you to be. Don't worry. You can always change your answers to the test and find out what other characters you might be.

But take comfort in the knowledge that you are after all, nice at heart.

What Dumbville Characters Are You?

Congratulations to receive this unbelievably free copy of "Dumbville Characters Test"!
A fabulous test to find out who you really are.

Now you can take half a day off from work to complete the test !

1) It is very, very, very seldom that you know what you want.
2) Wearing long pants is your biggest fear.
3) Do you make enough money?
4) Do you want see a naked mole rat?
5) Can elephants fly?
6) Are you a boy?
7) You would rather trust a dinosaur than a human.
8) You will save a frog and ask nothing in return.
9) Are you aware of what Dumbville characters are you?
10) And you actually spend time thinking about what Dumbville characters you are.

After enjoying a complimentary test, it is time to find out who you are.


Triple Right Click on Your Mouse ------> "SCORE IT!"


Don't worry if the result fails to open! The server might be slow because "What Dumbville Characters Are You" is a popular test among the special people like you. Wow! So quit waiting over your slow computer. Mail your Money Order of $99.90 to Welcome to Dumbville International Ptd Ltd, PO Box 69, Florida 298107, to find out what Dumbville Characters you are before your best friend does !!

And They Say You Can't Direct A TV Commercial With A Degree in Film

Director: Cut! ... Remember what I said?
Talent : What?
Director: Water Water, Blue Blue. So soft and tasty.
Talent : Am I supposed to drink this?
Director: What do you mean..? No. Bite the water! Water water blue blue...so soft
and..
Talent : So do I drink it fast or?
Director: Yes, fast. But if you can, try to imagine little creatures swimming in the
bottle.
Talent : Huh?
Director: Show your frustration. Bite the little creatures. Ok?
Talent : So its like I'm thirsty or?
Director: Roll Tape!
Talent : My hair...
Director: Camera! And Action!
Talent : Is my hair..?
Director: Cut! ... Remember what I said??
Talent : Yeah, but my hair..
Director: No! Bite the water! Water Water Blue Blue. So soft and tasty.

Make Up Artist Walks Up to The Talent.

Director: Don't touch her hair! Roll! Roll! Roll! Action!!

Talent : Gulp...gulp....gulp...gulp...
Director: Bite the water!! Bite the water. Look away! Look away!! Cut! Cut! No! Oh
No Oh! Don't look at me!
Talent : I wasn't looking at you...
Director: Where were you looking at?
Talent : I was looking at the camera.
Director: No no ! Don't look at the camera.
Talent : Where am I suppose to look?
Director: Guys?! Come On! Where's the big bear?!

PAs look at each other in gaze.

Director: Come On guys!! I specifically asked for the big bear! Fuck! Where the fuck
is the big bear? Ashley!!

The Wardrobe Stylist comes up to The Director

Director: I want you to put a bear costume on Dave.

The Key Grip drops his jaw.

The Wardrobe Stylist quickly sews up a bear costume and put it on the key grip.

Director: Remember what I said?
Talent : Water Water Blue Blue.
Director: So soft and tasty. Right?
Talent : Right.
Director: You are a shark. Ok?
Talent : I am a what??
Director: Shark. Very hungry! Imagine the children's feet twitching in the bottle. Eat
them up! Roll! Roll! Roll! Action!
Talent : Gulp Gulp Gulp Gulp....
Director: Yes Yes! Look Look! Who's the big bear?!! Who's the big bear??!! What a
beautiful animal! Cut!

A Sad Boy Story For Feature Film Adaptation

Our hero, this little kid living with his single step mother, has super power. But nobody knows. Not the step mother, not even our hero knows about this. In fact, we are not completely sure if our hero has super power. We assume he has it. Partly because he survives a horrible nuclear accident. And partly because it makes the story more marketable for a feature film adaptation.

There is this sad backstory for our hero. The single step mother is actually someone with no leadership and grows moustache. Preferably to be played by a drag. What dramatic event turned this step mother into a half man half woman thing with zero leadership monster? It doesn't matter. Really. Because the sadder part of the backstory is that our hero has a step brother. And everybody thinks he has the super power. And he also has a Macbook Pro. This has turned every aspect of our hero's life into a really dark comedy.

Will this be a story about tolerence? Or will this be a story about vengence? When will our hero discover his super power? Or will this turned out to be a flop after all?

The Crazy Elephants & Other Stories

The other day, you don't know exactly when, the elephants were just crazy. They wanted to go out to the other side of the fence. Does the peanuts taste better on the other side of the fence? You don't know. So you tore down the fences and told the elephants to go. The crazy elephants did the pop corn jumps on the ground. Perhaps they were happy. Perhaps they were not. Perhaps they were feeling both at the same time. The elephants then went full speed and dissapeared over the mountains.

One of the crazy elephants text you on the mobile the next day.

" WooHoo !!! I ate four bowls of rice !"

You felt glad for the crazy elephants. You continued climbing up on the ladder. It turns out that the bulbs are harder to change than you imagined. And then you dropped your test pen. "Shit" You said, but only in your head.

True Story, 1984, 136 degree off Lonely Planet, Wednesday

This story concerns a huge battleship and the little people who live in the battleship. Which happens to be, as it stated on the title, true. Where is the battleship heading to is a planet they called The Lonely Planet.

But more than anything else, what all the little people wanted is just a better breakfast. The Captain of all the little people, however will never understand. He will not understand the crew's longing for Pancakes and Maple Syrup, serve with Orange Juice, and perhaps even a half boiled egg. Thinking that the pancakes will be too much of a burden for the battleship to carry on to The Lonely Planet. And sadly, supplement capsules with zero nutrition is what the little people get. You should take pride in the things you do, says the Captain. You are learning at least. The little people would wonder when the Captain says things like that.

Some have jumped off from the battleship. Some have not. And some just couldn't make up their minds. Could this be a nightmare that all the little people are having it simultaneously? No, because I've just told you that this is a true story.

Dumbville Closed Book Midterm Exam

The Exam will have the duration of 4 minutes. You are only allowed to use calculators in rainbow colors.


Part I

a) If a mass object tosses a coin 6 times and gets 6 heads. What is the probability of a career change for the mass object ? (note: keep your diagram simple)



b) And would you say the coin is jinxed? (yes/no)


Part II

a) If a mass object, is dropped into the surface of the earth at the speed of 50 m/s. Approx. how much force is needed to make people to believe in zero gravity?







Tips: The mass object has difficulty to commit to a diet.




Part III (Bonus)

a) Toss a coin 3 times and find out what is the probability of you passing the mid term. (note: tossing more than 3 times will lose marks)












Good Luck!

When Your Boss Decided To Nag On Your Blog

You said there was no broom in the office. I saw four in the pantry. I worked hard trying to bring you to the top of the food chain. But no. You have to lie about the broom. You did't even bother to reword the word broom. In fact, you could have called'em the hairy things and I would have been less disgusted.

Remember when I called you into my room? I was actually planning to wash my car. But no. I gave up washing my car because I had to talk to you. And what did I tell you? I said I was going to be very frank didn't I? I said I have the feeling right from the beginning that you are not going to make it. And God am I not right? You don't even pretend to work when I am around. And I said if I could I do it all over, I would have done a better background check on you before you are hired. And what did I say after that? Huh? No! Before I told you about my work anxiety.

Oh did I tell you about my weird dream? The one when I took out the trash and wash my car? And after I washed my car and I took out the trash again. I find it very frustrating when my own people do not dream like the way I do.

Did I also not tell you that I may have to asked you to leave? As you can see I get a lot of pleasure making you scared. But you seemed happy. My bad. I should have jumped at you when you walked in to my room.

Long story short, every mistake you make is another good reason to fire you.

What did I say? That is to help you. To be on your toes. Which I don't know exactly how. But I am glad I could end this conversation with a note of optimism. Somehow.

Lonely Planet

If you look really hard into The Planet, you will see The Narrator. Unfortunately, you can not. Unless you managed to zoom in 500%. Which is impossible. Why? The Planet is only a low res file. But what's the texture of the planet like? Like the cat's tongue. Does it hurt to live on the planet? Yes. Doesn't it make The Narrator temperamental? Yes, but it is also part of the creative process. Does it have anything to do with faith? No. Money? Yes. Will bright colors T shirt change his mood? No. Flowers? No. Puppies? No. Popcorns? Maybe. Will The Planet ever explodes? Yes, when it collides with the giant rainbow. Will it still feel like the cat's tongue? No, the whole planet becomes a Velcro. Can The Narrator ever run away from The Planet? Only if he is strong enough to wrestle the Velcro. Can he hear you? Not if you super poke him. Will anyone ever make this story into a movie? No, but if there's ever gonna be one, The Narrator will only be on set no earlier than 9am. Oily breakfast? Not a chance.

You Are The Only One Who Will Get To Walk Away With A Comment

Hello gentle people. Remember you are here for you. Not for me, not for anyone. Not for The Narrator, who is a moron.

You are here and here alone because you have issues. I know this is difficult. Which is to admit that you have issues. But I congratulate you for doing so.

You are sitting here thinking? What is this fool trying to tell me? Is this a hidden message? Am I fat?

Well, if you are not done with all these bullshitting here, you are more than welcome to contribute to this website, which is also drowning inside the internet. What can you do?

I have decided to let one person to write me comment. Only one. And that's YOU !!

Please do not upload naked pictures with your comment. Unless they are Horses. Or German Potatoes.

The Sunshine Boys vs The Prisoner of 136 Avenue

There is the sun. And below the sun, there live the Sunshine Boys. The Sunshine Boys are lighthearted people. They laugh and poke each other. Sometimes they Super Poke each other, and that makes them fun to be with. You can tell from far that they are unoffensive to people.

But like almost every story, there is the Antagonist: The Prisoner of 136 Avenue. He doesn't like to be Super poked. He doesn't want to have fun. He doesn't want the Sunshine Boys around.

Although The Narrator will like to give you a happy ending. But I am afraid the nature of the story itself is too political to have a happy one.

A Heartbreaking Resignation Letter

Dear ____________,

I didn't get your name. Was it Peter or Olivia. Nevermind. My last day with the Company will be today. I have been waiting for 500 years to tell you this. And tomorrow I can just do things I really want to do. Like watching the rainbow explodes and then go eat thirty two donuts. Shit, that means you would have to stay in the office and put the cameras to sleep.

But thank you to give me enough grouchiness and fire in the belly to carry on with my life. I guess this is what you called the Characther Building.

I will see you if you ever drop by the Rainblow Land. I will get you a good seat. But you have to promise to be less perfect. At least 50 percent. It will be hillarious.

Sincerely,

Dahlia - The Staff with Funny Hair

You Certainly Do Not Know What You Are Talking About

Apparently some of you have suggested The Boy Who Stopped Using His Brain Rots and Turns To A Zombie to attack. Although dumb things said are sometimes true, but not this time. The Narrator does not like to use this site to attack or combat the sleazy people out there. Instead, The Narrator will write this:

The Boy Who Stopped Using His Brain Rots and Turns To A Zombie will stay as calm as a rabbit.

Because rabbits are terrific animal. They have big ears and whiskers. Sometimes they jump and do nice landing. Sometimes they eat up baby rabbits. That's when they get cranky I guess.

The Boy Who Stopped Using His Brain Rots and Turns To A Zombie

There is this person who was told that he could go ahead and quit his job. The reason?

1) He is not good at keeping the camera room at certain temperature.
2) He is nobody's favorite person.

We should not know his name. Who? This person. Perhaps we should call him The Boy Who Stopped Using His Brain Rots And Turns To A Zombie. That is in fact what his boss calls him.

But The Boy Who Stopped Using His Brain Rots and Turns To A Zombie is not panic. He is always prepared for amazing things to happen. Perhaps there is a portal somewhere in the office that might just connect him to somewhere else in the perfect haha world.

I guess the boss can wait.